This past year has been trying. We’ve all looked for a “sign”, something, ANYTHING. We’ve NEEDED reassurance that today was a bad day but it won’t last…Tomorrow is another day, right? We’ve learned so many, many things this past year. Never take anything or anybody for granted. We’re never promised tomorrow…..
Many nights as I lie staring at the ceiling I visualize you walking through the door, “HELLOOOOOOOOOO!!!!”. (I miss that voice so very, very much) I see you cooking up a storm in my kitchen, working on Theo’s science project, baking cookies, making a bra, planting flowers, cutting that HUGE pumpkin, swimming in the lake, sledding, going for an ice cream, going on that first and last boat ride of the season, cutting down the massive Christmas tree, the list goes on and on. You never ceased to amaze me. Many times it seemed as though you were everywhere at the same time.
What I always saw the most in those deep, beautiful eyes was the doubt, the fear, the love of a mother. Always afraid of never doing enough, never being enough. Afraid that you may not be here the next year or when Theo graduates. You were so much more. In the small amount of time that you graced this earth, you did more than most people did in a lifetime. Most importantly, you were the best mother, wife, daughter, friend, cousin, sister and aunt that I’ve ever witnessed. We won’t forget that, ever. You’ll be there the day Theo graduates. You’ll also be there the day he decides to marry. Memories fade but you sweetheart are so much more. You’re a never-ending presence.
You’re here. We’ve all seen it. We’ve all had our “signs”. Oddly enough, last summer I had a Cardinal on my telephone line ALL summer long. He swooped down while Lauren and I were in the pool. She had to duck! We just grinned at one another. We knew. Hello to you too, we miss you terribly……
There are so many positive memories/thoughts to write but most importantly, Theo continues to be such a wonderful, loving young man. I know you’re proud. Don has truly made sure that every move he’s made, your lil’ man came first. The first question in all of our thoughts as a parents is, “How would this affect our child?” Well, he hasn’t had to say it to me, nor has he, but Don asks himself, “What would Amy do, what would Amy want?” It’s guided him in the right direction every time.
The love and friendship that you conveyed through the years unto all of us has left us needing more. Would forever have been enough? No, I really don’t think in would’ve been.
Through you, your life, I’ve been so very blessed to witness the most awesome love and strength. I’ve also witnessed as much in your death. The 4th of July party, Theo’s birthday party, the breast cancer walk. People continue to show the love that you showered upon anyone within your presence.
As much as I would love to say this year has been great, everything is fine, we’ve all learned to adjust…..I’m hesitant. We have however learned that we can carry your heart, who you were, through our own actions. Do unto others…….
I spoke with Theo just the other day at the tea party. I explained to him that he will ALWAYS have a mother. As long as he keeps you in his heart, he will ALWAYS have a mother…..He gave me that sheepish lil’ grin, cocked his head and nodded as if he were saying, “I know.”
We’ve all struggled this year. We’ve lost ourselves and begged for help understanding how or why? Your love, strength and guidance will continue our healing. We love you and miss you more than these few lines could ever convey. Please continue to be the guardian angel that so many of us need. Be the wind beneath our wings, the sun that continues to shine and a love that never dies. Until we meet again my love……..Tabitha <3
Tabitha and Theo at the tea party, May 2013