Seeing Red; Needing It More

15 04 2011

I finished my chemotherapy treatment today, but despite the Procrit infusion I was given on Tuesday in the hopes that it would boost my low hemoglobin, my counts actually fell lower between Tuesday and today. So, I am in the ER, waiting for two units of blood, which will take about six to seven hours to infuse.

There isnt time for any of the wonderful people who wanted to donate blood for me to do that this time, but my nurse did contact the Red Cross for next time. I will share the protocol for donating, specifically marked for me and my future needs, asap.

At times like this, I fear that my body is falling apart, one piece at a time, and I pray that I get through this, find my way to remission and to starting and leading the vision of my foundation.

Right at this moment, I just feel so tired and defeated. This is not where I want to be. More than anything, I just want to be home on a Friday night with my family, snuggled up in bed, watching a movie together.

Today, my son’s Easter Break began. Usually, i’d be at gymnastics with him and my sister-in-law, Carrie, and her four year old, Mara. We’d be bouncing and giggling on the trampolines and then off to Mickey D’s for a cheeseburger.

But I had to be here instead and I really hate that.

When I told Theo I couldn’t go to gymnastics today, but had to go to the doctor’s instead, his face fell. It crushed me.

Copyright 2011, Amy Rauch Neilson

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16 responses

15 04 2011
Alison Schwartz

Oh Amy, so, so sorry. I hope the blood makes you feel better, does what it’s meant to do, and you’re soon home with Theo. Big, virtual hug from me to you.

15 04 2011
Leslie

I’m so sorry. Your son’s face falling crushed me, too. Hang in there. It will get better, and you’ll get back to your cherished routines.

15 04 2011
Rita P

Well, this sux majorly. Yet I also know “whatever we resist, grows”.
So how the heck do you combine those two realities into something that works for you?
I dunno. If it comes to me, I’ll pass it along. In the meantime, mega prayers!

15 04 2011
Joshua21

Amy we all love you and we all believe that you will make it over this rather big speed bump on this road of adventure that is your life. When you feel defeated try to find strength in all the people who believe you will succeed like you always have. I for one believe this time will be no different then the last. You will get past this I believe in you.

15 04 2011
Maija Kibens

Amy, I’m so sorry you had to hit such a low point & get such a punch in the spirit. I will tell you a little story to give this a better punch line. My film daughter Logan has been working for HBO on the set of True Blood, so here at home a friend has been coming over every week and she & Bob & I watch more of the series until we catch up to the part Logan worked on. Last time, along with yummy snacks, the friend arrived with a wine bottle whose original label appeared to have been ripped off & the new label said True Blood, with appropriate coloring & a few drips. This is your image for your infusion — True Blood regenerates you! Love, Maija

15 04 2011
Susan Ager

Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Then, smash your pillow with your fist! I say: Whatever works.

15 04 2011
Carol

So sorry your weekend and spring break had to start this way. Hoping some kind of silver lining is hiding in this dark cloud. Prayers & Hugs to you and your family.

15 04 2011
Walter Loesche

Dear Amy,
I am a new responder and a friend of Maija’s. I was almost where you are about 6 years ago, hospital bound for a week from an adverse reaction to chemo. My small intestine had shut down so that I would vomit all things taken orally, and my large intestine had cholera-like diarrhea. No food, over-night hair loss, and insomnia. As I laid in bed, I was angry that another human being had done this to me and vowed to myself no more chemo. So when the cancer returned for the second time to my liver, I had another sector of my liver removed, but also my hepatic pump and refused more chemo. That was 6 years ago, and I have been free of detectable cancer. Each of us is unique, but my story suggests that some of us can survive and live an almost normal life again. So will you.

15 04 2011
Sharon L-S

Hang in there Amy. ‘This too shall pass” I love the smash the pillow!! Works for me.

Hugs and prayers ( and a kiss for Theo).

15 04 2011
Deborah Ann Peters

Amy, So sorry that you had to reach such a low, but I pray that this blood will bring you back to the vibrant Amy that we all love and you get to enjoy your time with Theo and Don for the weekend. xxoo

15 04 2011
Elizabeth DeWaard

My Dearest Amy, The “stuff” is working. It’s just recruiting all the strength your body has to join in the cure. You should feel stronger after the transfusion–just what your body needs right now. Sure wish I was closer.
Love,Betsy

15 04 2011
Marnie

Aim, I hope that tomorrow will be a new day for you and that it brings another chance to cuddle up with Don and Theo and watch that movie together. I know this is tiring and defeating, and I can only say that I sure wish you didn’t have to go through any of it. I am thankful for the infusions so that your body may be replenished and nourished during these intense treatments. Every treatment is like going ten rounds in the boxing ring I’m sure…just know that the cancer is getting hit even harder than you. Hang in there sweetie – rest up. We love you.

15 04 2011
Kathy

I am so sorry Amy. God bless you and keep you strong during this very hard time. I know its hard to keep fighting the fight, but you have so much more to give to all those who are following your fight through your blog. Theo loves you so much and maybe next time, you will be with him as he jumps on the trampoline!

16 04 2011
Zoo

Sometimes the cross we carry seems unbearable. Be strong in Him who strengthens you and have Faith that HE will.

16 04 2011
Bob Adams

I too hurt from your seeing the disapointment in Theo’s face. But I think it important to look at it from a broad standpoint. We’ve been learning from you and your experience and your sharing of a personal experience. We’ve heard about your low points and high points. This time Theo learned a lesson–life doesn’t always go the way we wish. So Theo is learning too. It’s a hard lesson, but still a lesson. Think of the joy you’ll see on his face when you can tell him the meaning of “remission”.

18 04 2011
Elaine

Hang in there, Amy! You need to be stronger than ever NOW! and know we all love you and are with you in spirit…

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