For my son Theo…

Some private thoughts from Don to his son Theo.  Written from the heart at that moment in time.

4-15-12

You are sound asleep next to me and your mother is asleep in the hospital bed beside us. This weekend was a bit hard. Mom slept a lot and I tried my best to keep you entertained. We played Sky landers so much we went through one set of batteries on the porthole base. It must be hard for you to see mom this way and not fully understand what is going on. It is hard for me and I do. I’m so sorry for my short temper; I try so hard not to be that way with you. Mom is slowly getting sicker and it is taking more of me to take care for her. It is not fair to you. You can’t do the things with your Mommy like you used to and you can’t hang with me because I’m taking care of your Mother. Life is very unfair and for that I am truly sorry Theo.

4-17-12

Today was a rough day for me Theo. Your Mommy had a rough day as well. I picked you up from school and as soon as we pulled in the driveway a nurse was right behind us. I’m sorry there are so many people in and out of our house right now. We watched Gnomeo and Juliette and had some laughs with Mom. Then I needed to give Mom her night meds and you just looked at me as I was giving them to her as if you were sad that we had to go through this as a family. I am too Buddy. The best part of the day is when just before you drifted off to sleep you rolled over put your arms around me and said, “I Love You Daddy.” Well I Love you.

10-27-12

Today was your last game of your first soccer season and the first time you played goalie. The game was a tie, and a good one! But at the end as you got your treat bag I could not help to think how would it of been if your mom was still here. A little more cheering, a little more go Theo! I know she was watching from the heavens cheering and smiling down on you. If for some reason I did not tell you enough, I love you.

4-29-13

It is almost a year since your Mom went to Heaven. The time has gone so quickly and you are growing up so fast. I hope I give you just the right amount of soft comfort on stern discipline. You are doing so well in school and hockey! You just starter this past winter and you are now “hockey stopping” and skating backwards. It is 1:33 am and you are fast asleep in my bed. You get so happy when I say you can sleep in my bed with me. You lay your head on my chest and say, “You are the best Daddy a Theo could ever have.” And I say, “You are the best Theo a Daddy could ever have.” I can only hope you always feel this way. As I lay here next to you I can’t help but think what our life was a year ago. I look back and have no idea how I was getting through the up every two hours to give your mother some kind of medication, take you to school, feed the both of you and try to take care of the house. We had a lot of great people helping us but it was still very hard. And most of the time in the last few days I would just lay there and listen to every breath, hoping it wasn’t her last, hoping for one more day but at the same time praying for her peace.  I wanted so much to take away her pain, her fear, but I couldn’t. Now I want to take all your pain and fears away and sometimes I think I can. But then some nights as I’m putting you to bed I see the pain in your eyes, the small pools at the bottom of your eyelids. You look at me and I can see it on your face that you wish it was Mommy there beside you. I ask what are you thing and you shake your head and simply say, “Nothing Daddy, I love you.” And roll over and fall asleep. I will love you with no end my son.